Wednesday, September 26, 2012

He said, she said

A quick experiment - which one of the two scenes below do you prefer?  I would insert a poll, but I'm the reason there's no longer a Cover Life page on this blog.  I have no idea what happened there.
Oh, and thanks for playing :)


If you can’t stand the heat #1

The feeling of her lips under his sent Chuck’s pulse soaring.  It was different than the night before as then he’d had to get over his shock first.  Never in his wildest dreams did he imagine Sarah would just grab him like that.  Now he was in control, setting the pace, but it didn’t stop his heart from racing and ears from ringing.  It did prompt him to deepen the kiss, but the angle was a bit awkward, hampering his intention.  He took half a step back, his hands on her waist prodding her to turn.  As she did he briefly broke contact for some much needed air.  He was about to seek out her mouth again when she pushed against his chest. 

Of course it was too good to be true.

Inhaling deeply he reluctantly opened his eyes, wondering if she expected him to apologize or just deny that it had happened, like last night, but the words died on his lips when he saw Sarah taking a shaky breath, trying to blink herself out of her daze.

Maybe he was wrong.

“Fire,” she said.            

“Yeah.”  Chuck nodded in agreement as a grin threatened to split his face in two.  She might have cut their little make-out session short, but it was definitely hot. 

“No, Chuck.”  She shook her head.  “An actual fire.” 

“What?” he asked, turning his head in the direction she was pointing.  His eyes widened.  He’d seen bigger indoor flames, it came with the territory when working with Jeff and Lester, but there was enough smoke to set off the detectors.  How had he missed that? 

Instinctively he let go of Sarah and leaped forward, trying to pull the burning rag from the griddle with his bare hand.  It was a stupid move, he realized, when one of the flames licked his finger, causing him to yank his hand back. 

“Mother of…” he said before sticking his finger in his mouth to soothe the burn.

“Are you okay?” Sarah asked, suddenly standing next to him.  She took his hand to inspect it, seemingly more worried about him than the fact that her kitchen was under threat. 

“Fine,” he said, extracting his hand from hers as he looked around for something to put out the fire with.  Water and electricity didn’t mix and he doubted Sarah would know where Lou kept the baking soda.  If he could just get the rag to the sink…

“What happened?” Beckman asked behind them.

They both swiveled around to face Beckman, standing in the doorway already dressed, looking equally concerned and amused.  Chuck nudged Sarah to answer so he could tend to the fire as no one else seemed alarmed about it, but then he froze when he heard his daughter’s voice rising above the incessant beeping.

“They were kissing!”

He turned to find Maggie sitting at the table with her chin resting in her palms as she watched him and Sarah, who was blushing profusely, with a happy grin.  She must’ve slipped into the kitchen while they were…distracted.  Again, Chuck thought, how had he missed that?    

“Does this happen a lot?” Beckman asked Maggie, but before she could blow their cover, Casey entered the kitchen with measured steps, holding a fire extinguisher at the ready.  Gertrude followed on his heels.  He took aim and with three short bursts of foam the flames died out.  A fourth gust hit Chuck on the shoulder and the side of his face, some of it landing on Sarah.

“Casey!” Sarah said, wiping her cheek.

“Sorry, just making sure I got it all.”

“We will take care of the mess,” Gertrude said and ushered everyone out of the kitchen with “I will let you know when breakfast is ready.” 

Sarah sent Casey one last glare as she followed Beckman into the hall, leaving Chuck to scoop up Maggie and bring up the rear.  Behind him he heard Gertrude say “Get the mop, John.”  He couldn’t help but smirk.  The big guy was so whipped.

If you can’t stand the heat #2

The feeling of her lips under his sent Chuck’s pulse soaring.  It was different than the night before as then he’d had to get over his shock first.  Never in his wildest dreams did he imagine Sarah would just grab him like that.  Now he was in control, setting the pace, but it didn’t stop his heart from racing and ears from ringing.  It did prompt him to deepen the kiss, but the angle was a bit awkward, hampering his intention.  He took half a step back, his hands on her waist prodding her to turn.  As she did he briefly broke contact for some much needed air.  He was about to seek out her mouth again when she pushed against his chest. 

Of course it was too good to be true.

Inhaling deeply he reluctantly opened his eyes, wondering if she expected him to apologize or just deny that it had happened, like last night, but the words died on his lips when he saw Sarah taking a shaky breath, trying to blink herself out of her daze.

Maybe he was wrong.

“Fire,” she finally got out.            

“Yeah,” he breathed back, nodding in agreement as a grin threatened to split his face in two.  She might have cut their little make-out session short, but it was definitely hot. 

“No, Chuck.”  She shook her head.  “An actual fire.” 

“What?” he frowned, turning his head in the direction she was pointing.  His eyes widened.  He’d seen bigger indoor flames, it came with the territory when working with Jeff and Lester, but there was enough smoke to set off the detectors.  How had he missed that? 

Instinctively he let go of Sarah and leaped forward, trying to pull the burning rag from the griddle with his bare hand.  It was a stupid move, he realized, when one of the flames licked his finger, causing him to yank his hand back. 

“Mother of…” he cut off his own curse by sticking his finger in his mouth to soothe the burn.

“Are you okay?” Sarah asked concerned, suddenly standing next to him.  She took his hand to inspect it, seemingly more worried about him than the fact that her kitchen was under threat. 

“Fine,” he assured her, extracting his hand from hers as he looked around for something to put out the fire with.  Water and electricity didn’t mix and he doubted Sarah would know where Lou kept the baking soda.  If he could just get the rag to the sink…

“What happened?” Beckman asked behind them.

They both swiveled around to face Beckman, standing in the doorway already dressed, looking equally concerned and amused.  Chuck nudged Sarah to answer so he could tend to the fire as no one else seemed alarmed about it, but then he froze when he heard his daughter’s voice rising above the incessant beeping.

“They were kissing!”

He turned to find Maggie sitting at the table with her chin resting in her palms as she watched him and Sarah, who was blushing profusely, with a happy grin.  She must’ve slipped into the kitchen while they were…distracted.  Again, Chuck thought, how had he missed that?    

“Does this happen a lot?” Beckman asked Maggie, but before she could blow their cover, Casey entered the kitchen with measured steps, holding a fire extinguisher at the ready.  Gertrude followed on his heels.  He took aim and with three short bursts of foam the flames died out.  A fourth gust hit Chuck on the shoulder and the side of his face, some of it landing on Sarah.

“Casey!” Sarah scolded, wiping her cheek.

“Sorry,” he grunted, “just making sure I got it all.”

“We will take care of the mess,” Gertrude stepped in and ushered everyone out of the kitchen with “I will let you know when breakfast is ready.” 

Sarah sent Casey one last glare as she followed Beckman into the hall, leaving Chuck to scoop up Maggie and bring up the rear.  Behind him he heard Gertrude’s stern “Get the mop, John.”  He couldn’t help but smirk.  The big guy was so whipped.


“I appreciate your concern, uncle Roan,” she continued, “but there’s nothing to worry about.  Chuck’s sweet and passionate...”  Sarah paused to give herself a mental slap.  Why did she have to say that?  “He’s a great dad,” she tried to cover, “and he’s responsible and funny and…”

“And honest,” he added skeptically.

“When I’m not paying him to lie, yeah,” she replied lightly.

He studied her for a moment, then leaned forward to place the thumb drive in front of her on the coffee table.  Sarah immediately slid it back over to his side and stood. 

“I’m going to do this my way,” she informed him as she gathered her and Chuck’s empty mugs.  “And for a start, I’m going to learn how to make pancakes.”  Roan opened his mouth to reply, but Sarah beat him to it.  “You’re welcome to join us for breakfast, and if you’re nice to Chuck, I’ll consider telling Beckman that you’re allergic to wool.” 

He didn’t respond to that, but instead rose to his feet and slipped the thumb drive into her robe pocket.  “I may be wrong, and maybe Charles had nothing to do with this, but you should make sure before you get too involved,” he told her, and before she could even think to refute his comment, he was gone. 

Sarah stood undecided for a moment.  If uncle Roan had found anything serious he would’ve just come out and told her.  Then she shook her head.  She was looking forward to a day of fun, spending time with Chuck and Maggie, and she was determined to do just that.  Whatever issues they had to face could wait.

4 comments:

  1. Okay, so the rationale behind only using a dialogue tag like "said" is that it enhances the dialogue. Not only does it put all the focus on the dialogue, which is what's really most important when a character is speaking (99% of the time), but it also forces the writer to use sharp, well-written dialogue because they can't fall back on their dialogue tags (which are what things like said, asked, exclaimed, yelled, etc. are) to add context to what the characters are saying.

    Take for example this line: “Casey!” Sarah scolded, wiping her cheek.

    The scolded is unnecessary because as a reader, I can infer that Sarah is speaking in a scolding tone just from the dialogue itself and the context of the surrounding scene. You don't need to tell me she was scolding him, because it's redundant. It's like somebody writing "Fire!" Chuck yelled. Well, no duh he was yelling, there was an exclamation point. As a reader, I don't need you to tell me he was yelling, I can see that for myself. It's the same thing with all other dialogue.

    Plus, like Leonard argued, using any other kind of modifying language than said is more of an author intrusion than you want in a story. You want the writing (especially dialogue) to feel natural and effortless. That doesn't happen when verbs and other such things are getting tossed around with dialogue. When I'm reading something and the author only uses "said", it fades into the background and I'm able to only focus on the dialogue (speaking of personal experience here). There's always a bit of a delay in my brain when I see things like yelled, explained, added, etc. I notice what the writer is doing more.

    So that's a quick explanation as to why many people believe you should only use "said" when writing dialogue.

    Oh, and on a related topic, that second picture you tweeted about the verbs was correct, but I believe taken out of context. You want to use strong verbs when writing prose. For instance, what looks better to you:

    General Beckman told Casey to do away with the threat.

    Or...

    General Beckman commanded Casey to eliminate the threat.

    Which of the two has stronger verbs? Which one evokes stronger feelings in you as a reader? That's what your handbook is talking about.

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  2. I disagree with Leonard (and Max, sorry Max). Sure, it's easy to provide examples where anything other than "said" is superfluous but it's just as easy to provide counter-examples like:

    "Chanel?" she said.

    "Chanel?" she squeaked.

    Dialogue should sound natural. Trying to add context to the dialogue itself instead of using a well chosen tag quite often results in some pretty convoluted conversations.

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  3. I disagree with Neil.

    At no point in time should words be "squeaked."

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